Archive for January, 2009

Gonna get warmy!

Next Friday I’m flying to LA for two weeks to ride around wearing sunglasses in the passenger side of my boyfriend’s convertible. This is my second trip to LA, but in my daydreams, everyone has a shiny top-down convertible there.

My question is, what do I wear? It will be 70 degrees and sunny for most of the trip. But do they pay attention to seasonal colors or is summer fashion acceptable year round? I know nothing about this stuff.

So I googled “what do people in Los Angeles wear in February.” On yahoo answers, my favorite yahoo answers personality “Samantha” suggests: “When if the place is warm wear short pants i live all the way in new york city!”

“Samantha” has answered 32 questions on yahoo answers. Here are some of my favorites:

Question: Shampoo what is a great shampoo?
Samantha says: you should use PERT Plus!! My hair started to drop out when i used head and shoulder. So I think you should try PERT Plus..

Question: I found a place that sells Fantasy brand condoms 12 for $0.99 how can i get them without my mom knowing.? I dont want to steal them They are at a .99 cent store that sells name brand products
Samantha says: hide it in ur book bag the in underwea draw

Yet she has only written one question:
How did columbus find out he was in the americas?

Good one!


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It may look like candy

The last time my sister visited New York, she drank me under the table as usual. While I went home to pass out at 1am, she asked me where she could go to continue on her New York drinking adventure. I told her to go to what I referred to as my “neighborhood bar.” It’s cool, it’s friendly, they know me there.

When she gets back to my apartment, she wakes me up.
“THAT’S your neighborhood bar?”
“Why, you didn’t like it?”
“Well… the bartender asked me to help him with something downstairs. He opened the door and… it was a blow room.”
“He wanted you to give him a blow job?!?!”
“No! BLOW ROOM! Have you seen the movie Blow?”
“The movie about blow jobs? No.”
“Cocaine. People were doing cocaine down there.”
“WHAT?! Wow. Oh my. But… they never invited ME.”

That’s when I no longer called it my neighborhood bar. I’m not cool enough for them, fine. I’ve never tried cocaine, I’ve never wanted to, but at least extend an invite!

Truth is, I’m scared of the stuff. It has nothing to do with the fact that I won the Drug Abuse Resistance Education essay contest in 5th grade (and got a really cool medal!). It has everything to do with On the Edge, the fortieth book in the Sweet Valley High Series.


When I was 9 years old, I read the entire series. The Sweet Valley High books inspired thousands of young girls to develop eating disorders. The only thing it inspired in me is a comical fear of a drug called cocaine.

I haven’t reread the book, so the facts might be wrong, but here is how I remember it:

Bruce Patman is so handsome, but so arrogant. He is rich and is a *total* womanizer. He drives around in his cool car. The license plate reads 1BRUCE1 because he thinks he is definitely #1. But when he meets the quiet, sweet Regina Morrow, he starts to question his perfect life. How could life be perfect if Regina isn’t in it? And so, they fall in love.

Only thing about Regina, well… she’s deaf. So she flies to Switzerland to get a risky surgery to restore her hearing because all she wants to do is hear Bruce say “I love you.”

When she comes back, she finds out he’s cheating on her. She catches Bruce and the other girl together at a party. She is stunned. Some creepy kids from the dark corner slink over and say something like “Regina… you look like you’re feeling down. We can help you feel up. Ha ha ha.” And they offer her coke. Desperate for an escape, she snorts what looks like candy but won’t make her fat. Regina doesn’t know that she has an undiagnosed heart condition. The cocaine upsets her heart condition and she falls to the floor in convulsions, as Bruce rushes over to let her die in his arms.

Or something like that.
So kids, if anyone ever offers you coke, you can say what I’ve said: “Um…. no thanks… I don’t know if I have an undiagnosed heart condition or not… you know. Heh.” By the time you say all that, I guarantee the coke will have disappeared up someone’s nose, and you’re home free.

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I didn’t have cash at the bar last night, so I made up a probable card minimum and started a tab. I have no idea if there actually was a card minimum, but I met the minimum I set for myself. I probably should have picked pricier drinks.

I visited my friend Joe at the care center he is at. He is recovering from an accident he had in August. He has amnesia, yes just like in the soap operas, and I’m trying to help get back his memory. His mind is sharper every time I see him, and last night, he nailed every question I asked him. Except for one: Where do you live?

Last night, he insisted he lives in Jersey City. If I even suggest that his apartment is in Astoria, he adamantly protests that he lives in Jersey City now. I will refrain from making a joke to the effect of “Who would even pretend they lived in New Jersey?” hardy har.

The time before that, he was very insistent that he lived in Manhattan., and didn’t like that my response was “you wish!” And the time before that, he was a proud Brooklynite.

If he gets this question wrong every time, but in a different incorrect way, there’s a good chance that he’s just messing with me, right? An elaborate prank by someone with amnesia pretending he has amnesia about something he remembers? I wouldn’t put it past him.

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It’s tricky to go get my theatre fix while living off unemployment. Last week I was watching something on PBS called The Golden Age of Broadway, and someone mentioned that it used to be cheaper to see a Broadway show than a movie in Times Square. 

It’s sad that I can’t afford to see as much theatre as I would like to. I can always afford live comedy– usually under $10 and often free. But when I’m craving Broadway, knowing the theatres are a 10 minute walk from my apartment, I’ll go to youtube, watch this, and weep:

I know, right?!

And not to detract from the power of that finale, but man oh man, Mandy Patinkin looks like a grown up 

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